Re-Program Your Mind to Take Care Of You

How do we become who we are as an adult?  We are born to learn from the day of our first breath. Depending on our family traditional history, social status and current events; we are programmed to have children, run business, get educated for jobs and careers, or accept the status quo of our previous generations.  I found an explanation of Social Programming from http://www.lifeevolver.com/breaking-free-social-programming/:

Social programming is the set of instructions each of us learned to fit in with society. Our family members, school teachers, and peer groups were all part of the socialization process. The long-term affect of this socialization is that we seek external approval and external goals in our lives.

 "Social Programming" affects all of us. It can cause symptoms of major depression and stress disorders. Ask any health professional and they will confirm, "Stress" is the number one cause of most any illness, especially Heart disease. 

We all live with some type of expectation within our lives and how we feel we need to be perceived by our peers and society as a whole. We are subconsciously programmed to judge people by their differences in lifestyle, Race, and economic status. As a social society we restrict ourselves through our emotions about the opinions and assumed presumptions of people around us. 

Public Records, and Credit Reporting Agencies document our status with numbers and statistical averages that dictate what we can purchase and what we get charged borrow money to purchase the things we need to sustain our living environment. People with less, pay more. However not all financial hardships are the fault of the person who is named is on the bill. It is what it is, unfortunately. Punished are the innocent for the actions of the guilty and the greedy. It seems in today's society you are predominately guilty when accused by a person or entity of "socially perceived" higher status. If you are a person of a "socially perceived" lower status, you could pay much more for your needs; with your time, money, or your life. Most "socially perceived" lower status individuals tend to accept a lower standard of life as acceptable as well. This is a perfect example of "Social Programming". As we work towards equal pay for women and the overdue re-evaluation of necessities to the cost of living for today's society, the struggle to survive can seem overwhelming and devastating to people like myself. 

I say this in regards to my own personal experiences, knowing I am not alone. I often see the world as very frightening. But, I am someone who has survived domestic violence and abuse since childhood. I am diagnosed with Domestic PTSD. I need to take each day as it comes and continue to learn as much as I can about this illness and how to live with the disability.  As I build this blog, I plan to share what I've learned and hope to help others by sharing my story.

We are all different in some way in addition to our similarities. None of us have the exact same reactions to the exact same environments. Mentally, physically, emotionally; we are, and we are not not exactly the same. I believe we are all emotionally affected by our experiences. Some of us have the ability to manipulate our emotions and control projected reactions to experiences in our lives.  Those of us who don't, can try to learn if they choose to. 

I am always working to developed my strengths and better understand my weaknesses. My experiences have taught me,  people who survive a traumatic experience, such as a major environmental catastrophe, crime, and/or abuse; coping skills will differ with each individual. Although studies have shown extensive similarities in symptoms, they should only be considered a starting point for diagnosing and treating the sufferer. I believe continued therapy and fine tuning to ones own treatment is necessary to achieve any kind of healing and recovery. The deep personal effects vary with each person. This is largely due to age, sex, race, economic status, genetics and personal life experiences. We should expect the emotional reaction or behavior from each survivor of such trauma to vary as well.  

Searching for and finding the help that works for you is a long process and can be very difficult. Getting Mental Health help is heavily dependent on where you live, and what is available to you; in addition to the discriminatory social status and ignorant treatment towards the mentally ill by most laymen. Hence the reason most suffers don't seek help, or want to acknowledge they or a family member may be suffering a mental illness or disorder. It becomes a skeleton in the family closet, and rarely, in never discussed. 

Re-Programming your mind to take care of you, is something only you can achieve for yourself. To accomplish this you must make a conscience decision to honestly self reflect. Write your thoughts about yourself down so you can look at the likes and dislikes on paper in front of you. Take control of who you have become and be well with it.   I've met people who pride themselves in being a deliberate "Asshole" while others flip to the extreme and are comfortable being someones doormat. Accepting abuse, neglect, and hardship as an way of life.  

Of course this is easier said than done, so I'm sharing a YouTube channel I follow with my readers.  If you care about who you are and who you have become, or want to become, you must first take a look at yourself and honestly see the person you are. Not the person you show others.  Not the person someone told you, they see. You need to know the person you know yourself to be. If you decide you are not satisfied with who your are, or your life and how it's progressing or deteriorating, you should consider doing this for yourself. 

I invite you to check out C J Ortiz, The Metal Motivator . His work, along with other resources I use,  gives me the ability to never give up on myself no matter how often my current situation changes, challenges me, or delays the progress towards my goals. 

Life is Merciless So Show No Mercy is the video that helped me consider my own life and self reflect. I started following C J Ortiz around the time I decided to began this blog. Stuff continues to happen.  I feel I'm finally settled and in a place in my life where I'm feeling brave enough to open thoughts to my readers. I'm learning what I can and continuing to work on in my life as a person who has survived and continues to survive. I love metal music, of course. The Metal Motivator is very inspiring to me and speaks to me on a realistic level. I focus on whats good for me and I hope to help others do what's good for them. 

Thank you for taking the time learn a little about Sheer Julious

Final thought: We are who we allow ourselves to be. 

PTSD and Domestic Violence

I am a survivor of generational domestic violence. Being diagnosed with Domestic C-PTSD is the outcome to my years of experience with this type of behavior in addition to living in violent neighborhoods. The symptoms I suffer from today, go far beyond the abuse I survived. The affects of PTSD are never ending flashbacks, visions and nightmares of trauma, triggered by daily events. 

However, for the sake of this post today, I am going to stick to the signs of domestic abuse within a relationship and share what I have deemed my final personal experience.  I believe it is important to let my readers know how easily ones perception of love can become and open door to never ending violence. 


abus

abus

This is me at the hospital on December 15, 2014.  I wanted to leave my boyfriend because he beat me so bad this day. He had been abusing me and hitting me since he convinced me to get a place together. I suffered a concussion, and my face was swollen and bruised up for weeks. I had bruised ribs, my shoulder was sore from being pulled and punched and I was completely confused as to how I let this happen to me. 

The first time he was "physically" violent was shortly after we moved in together..............

Because of his abuse I found myself homeless, with no money and emotionally broken within the first 8 months.  I did seek help, however my condition made it very difficult for me to see the light of things.  I do my research, I know the symptoms. How someone like me who has survived many years of this behavior; still find myself in this position is shocking to say the least. I am proof of how it can happen.

I understand and accept that I have no one to blame but myself. I ignored the warnings and strong disapproval of the people around me. I let my abuser back into my life two more times after this experience. Shocking right? I want people who read this to understand it happens to a lot of people who are being abused.  

My ex-boyfriend was in jail for aggravated assault towards me last year. I did file a PFA, "Protection from Abuse" order.  According to this order, he was to have absolutely no contact with me. He was to have no third party contact. This meaning he could not go through others such as friends, family members, or associates to contact me. 

Due to the combination of his abuse towards me and my mental illness, the stress of it all became so overwhelming I was hospitalized. I became suicidal as I struggled to make sense of all that happened the to me.  My situation at the time was very bad.  I was homeless.  It was the dead of winter.  I was alone.  I was very depressed and no one was able to help me.  

I was in the process of seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist for my illness, but in area I live in, getting help for my situation is practically non-existent. 

I was hospitalized to inpatient therapy where they were able to stabilize me enough to be released. However my homeless situation had not changed. They could not release me without a place to go.  

Because of my illness, being put in an inter-city shelter was out of the question.  Any place available was not for me because of overcrowding, and conflict of interest issues with my situation. I suffered from panic attacks, severe anxiety and any violence towards me can cause an epileptic fit.  The people who run these shelters have no accommodation for a person like me.  My social workers at the hospital were frustrated with-the lack of services available to me, especially from Service Access and Management. I was stuck in a hospital that kept pushing drugs on me and when I refused them, I was treated like a problem.  I felt like they only wanted to push a quick fix on me and get me out of the hospital.  I was stuck.  I truly had no options. 

Ultimatly, one person who offered to open her home to me and let me stay on her couch.  It was truly my only choice if I were to be able to be released from the hospital.  I felt I had no choice but to accept and my social workers at the hospital worked with her to make it happen. The only problem was that  "person" was my abuser's sister-in-law.  It would mean I would have to relocate to another county that was four hours away from everything I've known. I had to leave my mohter with my brother.  This was no a good arrangement for her at all.  My brother is abusive and I knew it was only a matter of time before he began to abuse my mother. I was freaked out and afraid.  However, feeling it may be a good start to get out of my current county, I went. 

The first day I arrived, I was greeted by my ex-boyfriends brother who is a Veteran suffering from PTSD, and his wife.  We talked about what happened, and they seemed to understand very well what I had experienced. My abusers brother; knows his brother better than anyone else I knew. The conversation went well, and I was given information as to what I can do and were to go to get help getting settled in that area. 

The following morining I got up early and began working on my need for my own place.  By the second day I was signed into treatment for my illness, and had put myself into a program to help me heal and rebuild my life.  

On the third day, my abuser's sister-in-law surprisingly says to me: "You have to come with me to stay at my mothers house tonight." Her mother was on her death bed. It was very depressing as well as frightening for me to meet her at her mother's house.  I didn't know the woman, and she was in hospice care. The "sister-in-law" had to stay with her mother that night because the hospice nurse wasn't available and there was no other alternative. I couldn't understand why she would want me to be with her through the night when her mother could pass away.  I felt it was a private family affair. I asked her why she required me to stay with her at her mohter's house.  I was concerned because of her mother's condition. I had no idea who these people were.  So I questioned, "Why? Why are you insisting I meet you at your mother's home, instead of were I'll be staying?". Her reply to me:  "I am not leaving you alone with my husband over night. I have to stay with my mother tonight, and I don't want people talking." It seemed she did not want to trust me around her husband. I was shocked! Neither I or her husband behaved in a way that would cause her to be so suspicious. I was grateful to her for giving me a place to escape.  I arrived at her house and we got along well I thought, and I honestly answered all their questions about what happened and what was going on with her brother-in-law.  The last thing I ever wanted to do was to meet her at her mothers house.  The woman had a hospice nurse and the place smelled horrible. The entire night was very long and I kept haveing nighmares, sleeplessness, and my anxiety was out of control.  I was praying her mohter would not pass away while I was there. 

The next morning I was ready to run. I realized the mistake I made immediately. So I went to the agency I signed up with for help and asked them to be put is a shelter right away. The shelter in that area of Pennsylvania was not occupied.  It was specifically for women who were escaping an abusive situation.  At this point I was very much alone.  I was hurt by the change in attitude towards me by my ex-boyfriends sister-in-law.  I was in a situation I should not have had to accept.  I felt forced to accept help from my abuser's family. I felt betrayed by the system in the county I was from,  and now miled and miles away from anyone I know, I was lost and very alone. 

BIG MISTAKE #1

I accepted help from my abusers family. My ex-boyfriend began to contact me and against my better judgement, I accepted his communication. I felt so confused and was so alone, I felt I needed to understand why he did this to me.  I listened to his reasoning and believed him.

BIG MISTAKE #2

I thought I could handle this.  I mean, I was an experienced survivor right?  And well, I can help him, I thought.  It wasn't his fault this happened.  He was sick too.  This was all wrong.  I was vulnerable and I couldn't see it.  I was being manipulated the entire time I listened to him speak.  All I could see was what happened through his eyes instead of realizing this happened to me, not him. 

BIG MISTAKE #3

I ignored what I was being told from domestic violence professionals.  I didn't want to report him because I still worried about his well being. I also felt obligated to his family not to get him into anymore trouble. I kept blaming myself for what happened to me. 

I have a deep respect for his brother. He is a Vietnam veteran who opened his home to help me. I wasn't  allowed to speak to his family because of the PFA in my previous county. This was very difficult for me.  Because of the abuse, there was no one left who was available to help me. 

Service Access and Management came through for me in the county I had to relocate to. As I worked with my caseworker and tried to move on, my emotions were extremely unpredictable.  I was finally in treatment for my illness and being prescribed various medications to help stabilize me. I did everything I possibly could to help myself. However I still felt very alone.  The only people I knew were the professionals trying to help me.  Help was still very limited for a person in my position. 

Various things happened within my program that would cause additional hopelessness. For example:  I was informed of a program that would help me fix my vehicle if I had a job.  I accepted a part time job from my landlord.  Because of my illness I could not hold down this job.  Because of my illness I could not be without my own transportation.  According to the person who helped me get qualified, I would have to have a job to be able to get the grant for the money to repair my vehicle.  My caseworker went through the entire process with me.  When it came time for the grant to take effect, all of a sudden I made too much money to qualify because of my job.  This was like a slap in the face and coping with it made my symptoms worse.  Other things would happen to me that added to my feeling of helplessness, but I continued to do my best to do as I was instructed.  

One day my ex-boyfriend came knocking on my door.  I went into shock.  I hadn't seen him since he assaulted me and this triggered a major panic attack.  I hadn't been talking to him and was avoiding him at all costs.  But there he was at my door knocking.  I called the police and reported the violation of the PFA.  When we went to court in his brothers county, where I had acheeved my own apartment and now lived; the Judge did not allow me to approach the bench. My ex-boyfriend had an attorney who stated I was in contact with my ex and was writing him letters telling him I loved him and wanted to work things out while he was in jail. 

These letters were from months prior, and discontinued when I started working with my caseworker. I had not corresponded with him for months. I was not allowed to defend myself against my ex-boyfriends attorney.  I was asked to stand up were I sat in the back of the courtroom.  The Judge, with no warning, yelled at me from across the room in front of a packed courtroom.  I felt humiliated and began to shake uncontrollably. I was beginning to experience a major panic attack.  I was never allowed time to speak.  I tried to reply from across the room.  So in a panic, I yelled in an attempt to be heard, "Those letters were from months ago." I was immediately interrupted by the Judge and warned if he saw me in his court again he would remove the PFA.  

I left the courtroom petrified, visibly upset, and very confused.  As I walked home I kept having flashbacks of  the Judge's behavior. I continued to hear his yelling at me in my head.  I felt betrayed by the system.  I cried the rest of the day and night. I went to the bar and got drunk. The next day, feeling helpless, I felt the only way I would get help for myself was to fix things between me and my ex-boyfriend. I was seriously struggling financially without him. 

BIG MISTAKE #4

I let him back in my life.  His sister who lived in the county I had moved from offered me $1000.00 to help me get an appartment back home.  I thought I would be able to get my mohter out of public housing where she had ended up after my brother began to threaten and beat her after he found out I was no longer in town. Through all of this I kept in touch with my mother.  She didn't talk to anyone about anyting. She was too untrusting and afraid.  I did all I could to advocate for her, but with my own issues happening I couldn't do much. Getting back to were I came from was the best option to be able to get her back with me.  I knew she was very afraid and not understanding of what was happening.

 

I was experienceing all of this personal termoil, and I was still very much alone and surprisingly missing him! I finally replied to his continued attempts to communicate with me. I worked with him to help explain his behavior to his doctors;  they decided they wanted to see him every week until he was able to get into intensive therapy with a Behavioral Health Program. 

This is why I agreed to accept the money and I got another apartment.  It was required that I help her brother with his case if I get another appartment.  I agreed, thinking we would have a quiet safe place as we worked things through. I wanted to help him financially by making a place for his storage in my apartment. I wrote letters to his Parole officer. I met with her and told her my feelings and she had hopes that I was doing the right thing.  She was very supportive feeling I knew what I was doing.  I guess I was convincing that my ex and I could work things out now that he was in therapy. Unfortunately, I realized he knew exactly what he was doing to regain control of me.

Within three months, my boyfriend was again taking over my life. He alienated me from any friends I made.  He controlled my time as I cared for him. He became verbally aggressive to the point of triggering my panic symptoms again. He began to rage in my apartment again and break furniture he replaced for me.  The agreement we made if I took him back; he would go to therapy with me, and make complete restitution for my losses. I would drive him to where he needed to be, in order to be compliant with his parole, and we would discuss things and work on things together.  This did not happen. He eventually came at me to assault me again, but I was able to run out of my apartment. I remember feeling petrified. 

The next day, I left to go to my therapist appointment. On the way, I called him and told him I had called the police and he needed to leave my apartment or he was going to be arrested for leaving the county, a violation of his probation.  He believed me and he left. I again tried to put my life back together. 

I called my caseworker, got another PFA, and moved into public housing that was now available to me because I was again alone. 

Another set back was that the Victim Witness Program . It is very difficult, and you really can't claim all of your losses.  The program on-line does not consider county regulations. Without assistance to complete the process, I was lost.  The different counties are reluctant communicate with each other. If they have to it is very confusing it seems, for them to work together.

I was suffering flashbacks and nightmares of the original assault.  I started to catch him in lies and began to recognize his manipulation me.  I became afraid of him again, and found myself walking on eggshells every day.  He argued with me about my past.  He argued with me about the year we were apart while he was in jail.  He accused me of having sex in the middle of the night with a neighbor while he was sleeping in my bed with me.  He accused me of wanting the neighbor, or anyone else for that matter, over him.  He accused me of wanting someone from my past. The arguing was daily.  He punished me and beat me for wanting to continue my work with me Sheer Julious business idea. He was constantly going through my phone and my laptop and starting arguments about anything he found.  He fabricated things in his mind and accused me of cheating on him and lying to him. Arguing became a daily occurance.  I was experiencing major head aches and my symptoms were out of control with panic, anxiety, depression, fear, and sleeplessness. 

BIG MISTAKE #5

The entire time I was focused his well being.  I wanted to help to fix him. I did nothing for myself or my safety from him.  I felt I had all this knowledge about abuse. I could help him change his ways because he convinced me he was sick like me. I was very wrong to think he wanted to change.  Even if he really did, changing an abusive person takes years of therapy and that is only if they apply themselves to the treatment. 

  

Realizing he would have to be away from me for 24 hours caused another argument.  I finally had to tell him to leave my home.  He tried desperately to be able to move in with me but luckily his PO would not let him move until he met the sentencing requirements imposed by the judge. 

My world has been once again turned upside down and my anxiety is almost constant.  I am still under the watchful eye of my therapist and my psychiatrist. I was informed in addition to the Domestic C-PTSD;  I suffer from Battered Woman's Syndrome.  

I was shocked to learn until then I never heard of it. I did what I could at the time to learn.  However not soon enough.  After moving into Public Housing, I found myself communicating with him again.  It never mattered to him what the PFA stated.  He was going to contact me no matter what.